Restless

I don't know if it's the upcoming holiday and my planned short vacation or just the general frustration with home issues, but I'm feeling deeply unsettled and restless today. I ran this morning but with the sun shining and the breeze blowing I want to be outside again. I want to run down the street, down some hills, along the creek and feel the freckled sunshine on my face. We've got a leak in the basement, leaky windows, an unfinished kitchen, and a bathroom in need of gutting and repairing. None of that's going to happen though until the market rights itself and banks get back to lending money. Who knows when that will happen though. And until we get some traction on even one of these issues, Heather and I are on edge, each of us annoyed by something different at different times.

Even worse, we both want to get the kids a playset in the backyard, but again, we don't have the money or the ability to secure financing.

So all of this frustration and aggravation bubbles inside of me. It turns and whirls inside Heather too, and together we just can't stand it. We're not usually mad at each other, just...tired. But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that sometimes I feel like a failure because I don't make enough money to just write a check and make this all go away. I wish I did, but I don't. Sometimes I entertain the idea of getting a second job just so I can get more money coming in, but that's never been a good idea, and I detest even thinking it.

The only saving grace for me is I think the kids have no awareness of the house or they just don't care. I get more calm and satisfaction from that than I care to admit. As long as they're happy and safe, I feel good. Or, not quite as restless.