My Heart Breaks Open

I'm watching "The Namesake" tonight while I work. The movie speaks about the troubles of growing up a first-generation American and trying to balance between deep cultural traditions and the American way of life. My mom is from Germany so I feel a lot of connection to the themes in the movie.

But there is something more about this movie. This movie hit me on a lot of levels. Seeing how Kal Penn treats his parents as they get older, disrespecting them when they clearly love him. And then his changing relationship with them. I worry all the time about how my kids will treat me and perceive me as they age and I do too. I hope they love me. I hope I am close to them and they know how important they are to me.

And then there's a whole other level to the movie that I do not understand. Every movie about India, and I mean every movie, has broken open my heart. And I cried. I can't explain it. It as if something inside me springs forth with joy with only the thought of the place or the sight. I know it is not some perfect place. I've seen the pictures. I've talked with my friends, and I know that there is much there that is bad. But still...

I don't know why this happens, and I don't know that I ever will. I don't know that I ever want to know. And sometimes it scares me. I have read about people who have idolized India and I don't think I am one of those people. I don't want to be one of those people. I don't want my identity to be subsumed by a whole nation. I want to be my own person not identified by one thing, and I feel like I am sometimes. But none of those thoughts stop me from breaking down whenever I see something about India.